* The following entry is taken from an email I (Clint) sent to one of our instructors from Mission Training International (MTI). (Several emails were read to us over the course of our time there from unidentified missionaries across the globe who had participated in training at MTI prior to entering the foreign mission field. It was humbling and enlightening to learn of their encounters with culture shock, their transitions, and, most impactful for me, their raw emotions when face-to-face with stressful situations.)
I initially wrote this email on a Tuesday, the day of our accident. The emotions were running extremely high. Please know God is faithful.
Our front bumper which had been torn off, had been in the back of the car since the day of the accident, and I had finally decided I would try to put it back on. As I opened the hood to gain access to the bolts that originally held the bumper on, I was less-than-excited to see there were actually none present. My immediate thought was, This thing was never connected to the car in the first place! Amy and I have experienced varying levels of disappointment since the purchase of our car. Upon discovering that not even the bumper was secure on this car, a thought rose up from deep within: Where does it end?
Almost as the thought was forming, God opened my eyes -- once again -- to His sovereignty in the midst of our free will. In that instant, I knew God not only loved that reckless kid on the bike, but that God planned good things for him. You see, had the bumper been fastened to our car, the way it was supposed to have been, that kid would probably not be walking today. But because of our 'break-away' bumper, the kid's right foot was spared with a scratch; probably his life, too.
And we were spared, as well. Had the accident proven more serious, we would have faced serious consequences. Had we not been 'taken advantage of', we might be facing prison time now instead of a summer of ministry opportunities.
That Tuesday was a hard day for me. Really hard. It seemed the culmination of culture shock and stress was going to end our time here in the D.R. in an ugly way. It felt absolutely overwhelming and I was unable to process anything until I started typing an email about six hours later.
I know our enemy wants to envelop us in darkness until we are rendered useless. I also know that God wants us fully alive. He proved it on the cross. You and me? We're worth far more than 500 pesos to Him. God really is faithful and for those who love Him, and are called according to His purposes, He truly does work all things for the good (sometimes it even looks like we think it should!). And you know what? It seems He works things out for those that don't love Him, as well. He doesn't want any of us to leave this life without knowing Him. We have as many chances to reconcile with Him as we have breaths to breathe throughout our lifetime. Why? Because He's God. That's why. He is faithful, always faithful, despite our faithlessness.
I guess you could say I'm glad for the stories and people I find in the Bible. You can read more about a few of them here. I'm thankful for the account of Moses, Elijah, Jonah. These men were deeply respected and famous prophets/leaders of their day. And I'm especially encouraged by the raw emotions of King David. I hope they encourage you, as well...
Psalm 139
The All-Knowing, Ever-Present God
For the choir director. A Davidic psalm.
"Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.
It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.
Where can I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
If I live at the eastern horizon
or settle at the western limits,
even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me will be night”—
even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.
For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.
God, how difficult Your thoughts are
for me to comprehend;
how vast their sum is!
If I counted them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand;
when I wake up, I am still with You.
God, if only You would kill the wicked—
you bloodthirsty men, stay away from me—
who invoke You deceitfully.
Your enemies swear by You falsely.
Lord, don’t I hate those who hate You,
and detest those who rebel against You?
I hate them with extreme hatred;
I consider them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my concerns.
See if there is any offensive way in me;
lead me in the everlasting way."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear xxxxx,
You were right. You were all right. Culture shock comes like a thief in the night. We left MTI last November, hopeful for a future that still seemed uncertain. We were roughly halfway into both our start-up and one-time budgets.
We’ve been in the Dominican Republic now for almost three months of our two-year commitment and I’m at the breaking point. I hate everything about this place. I absolutely hate it. I’ve cried ‘Father Help’ – literally cried. I feel near a nervous breakdown some days. I’m waiting for God to help me. Desperately waiting.
I’m writing this email after the most difficult day so far. Today, as we were pulling into a gas station, a motorcycle passed us on the driver’s side and ripped the front bumper off of our already cobbled-together car. I don’t speak the language yet.
The motorcycle driver came back to the gas station after finally careening to a stop about 100 yards down the road. I couldn’t communicate. My wife could. So he went to the driver’s door (she was driving) and began shouting at her, demanding we buy him a new motorcycle. All of this after he hit US! Amidst the shouting voices and all of my emotions, the only word that came to me was ‘TRANQUILO!’ (calm) – and I said it several times. This 20-something Dominican adolescent – Tigrés, they’re called – was yelling at my wife. ‘Tranquilo’ was what God gave me at that moment. It had to be God, because I wanted to stare into the guy's eyes as I strangled him!
We ended up at the police office here in town where I watched our site director give the guy 500 pesos for his troubles. And I don’t speak the language yet. I have no way of saying ‘get away from my wife’. I have no way of screaming how unjust this is. I have no words.
I hate all of this.
But there’s salt in the wound. And it’s this: God keeps gently reminding me that I sideswiped His car as I was passing him illegally, breaking other laws in the process (not wearing a helmet, speeding, to name a few) and causing Him damage. He is reminding me that I threatened Him with police action, demanding a new motorcycle or some other type of payment. And he keeps reminding me that He came to my world, suffered these injustices, but didn’t pay me 500 pesos for the trouble – he paid with His Son’s life. And right now I hate Him for it. Jesus’ death was not fair! I can’t offer anything in return. There is no justice in that! So I sit here, typing between sobs.
--------------------------------------------------
And that's as far as I could write. I cried most of the night and into the next day. I'm a bit teary-eyed as I type this today, now weeks later. I'm not upset about the 'injustice of the whole situation', or my low understanding of the language, but over how God really does care about each one of us. And He showed me this once again about three days after the wreck.
Our front bumper which had been torn off, had been in the back of the car since the day of the accident, and I had finally decided I would try to put it back on. As I opened the hood to gain access to the bolts that originally held the bumper on, I was less-than-excited to see there were actually none present. My immediate thought was, This thing was never connected to the car in the first place! Amy and I have experienced varying levels of disappointment since the purchase of our car. Upon discovering that not even the bumper was secure on this car, a thought rose up from deep within: Where does it end?
Almost as the thought was forming, God opened my eyes -- once again -- to His sovereignty in the midst of our free will. In that instant, I knew God not only loved that reckless kid on the bike, but that God planned good things for him. You see, had the bumper been fastened to our car, the way it was supposed to have been, that kid would probably not be walking today. But because of our 'break-away' bumper, the kid's right foot was spared with a scratch; probably his life, too.
And we were spared, as well. Had the accident proven more serious, we would have faced serious consequences. Had we not been 'taken advantage of', we might be facing prison time now instead of a summer of ministry opportunities.
That Tuesday was a hard day for me. Really hard. It seemed the culmination of culture shock and stress was going to end our time here in the D.R. in an ugly way. It felt absolutely overwhelming and I was unable to process anything until I started typing an email about six hours later.
I know our enemy wants to envelop us in darkness until we are rendered useless. I also know that God wants us fully alive. He proved it on the cross. You and me? We're worth far more than 500 pesos to Him. God really is faithful and for those who love Him, and are called according to His purposes, He truly does work all things for the good (sometimes it even looks like we think it should!). And you know what? It seems He works things out for those that don't love Him, as well. He doesn't want any of us to leave this life without knowing Him. We have as many chances to reconcile with Him as we have breaths to breathe throughout our lifetime. Why? Because He's God. That's why. He is faithful, always faithful, despite our faithlessness.
I guess you could say I'm glad for the stories and people I find in the Bible. You can read more about a few of them here. I'm thankful for the account of Moses, Elijah, Jonah. These men were deeply respected and famous prophets/leaders of their day. And I'm especially encouraged by the raw emotions of King David. I hope they encourage you, as well...
Psalm 139
The All-Knowing, Ever-Present God
For the choir director. A Davidic psalm.
"Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.
It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.
Where can I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
If I live at the eastern horizon
or settle at the western limits,
even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me will be night”—
even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.
For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.
God, how difficult Your thoughts are
for me to comprehend;
how vast their sum is!
If I counted them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand;
when I wake up, I am still with You.
God, if only You would kill the wicked—
you bloodthirsty men, stay away from me—
who invoke You deceitfully.
Your enemies swear by You falsely.
Lord, don’t I hate those who hate You,
and detest those who rebel against You?
I hate them with extreme hatred;
I consider them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my concerns.
See if there is any offensive way in me;
lead me in the everlasting way."
