Occasionally I hear God's voice. I hear a still, small voice in my spirit that is neither masculine nor feminine, neither high nor low. It is direct, authoritative, matter-of-fact and the second I hear it, I know who it is.
On December 18, 2010, on the eve of my wedding, I heard this:
You are the bride,
you are the bride,
you are the bride and
you will be pregnant soon.
These words spoke more to me than just the words in and of themselves. They were steeped in meaning that I will not take time to explain right now. It is probably easy to figure out, though, that soon after Clint and I said our "I Do"s, I expected to start hosting new life in my womb. When the first 6 months went by without that little blessing, I was not too worried. I mean, God's 'soon' and our soon are often different. Jesus himself said to John in Revelation, 'Behold, I am coming quickly'. Mmm hmmm.
It is now June 8, 2014 and I am still not pregnant.
Many many thoughts and questions have gone through my mind (and Clint's) since the day I heard that voice. Why would God say 'soon', knowing that according to our timing, this declared promise is long overdue? Did he mean an actual human baby, or was this some symbolic overtone of a spiritual pregnancy to come? Did he know how long it would take; that we would discover that our bodies, without medical intervention or supernatural healing, could not make a baby? Did he say 'soon' because he knew we would be discouraged and would need a promise to hold onto?
I have gone back and forth from believing we are not meant to have our own children, to holding onto that promise of pregnancy. As I walk the dirt roads of El Callejon and listen to the voices of neglected children call out my name to get my attention, I wonder if there is a greater reason we have not been able to conceive. Clint, too, has had all these thoughts and questions--especially lately as he is working with a group of young boys in a community called Sabaneta. We talk about it from time to time when our hearts can handle hearing each others' thoughts; when we feel we are strong enough to pray about it.
A very close friend of mine here found out she was pregnant a few months ago. Knowing that we have been dealing with infertility, she offered to take me with her to appointment to talk with her OBGYN. It was an open door I gladly walked through. Seeking fertility treatment in the US costs more than we could have ever afforded. The free clinics do not cover infertility issues, only pregnancy issues. I mean, I did what I could while in the states, but got no help, no information. Here, in the DR, treatment is available and inexpensive. I am seeing a doctor in a nearby city at the awarded top hospital in the entire Caribbean. A consult with him costs 1000 pesos without insurance (about $23). An ultrasound costs between $8 and $12, depending on where you get it done.
My first visit with this OBGYN revealed a hormonal condition I did not know I had. He prescribed me some medication for it as well as some prenatal vitamins and said to come back in a month and we could start me on Clomid (brand name for Clomiphene, which is a drug they use to help trigger ovulation in women who do not ovulate, or at least not regularly). I won't go into all the details of what it's been like these last couple of months, but I will say that there have been many times I have wanted to quit and just let go of this whole baby thing. Clint, too, has been taking some things to boost and strengthen his, ahem, contribution. He, too, has been tempted to just give it up. This is just a painful process.
Being 42 (him) and 37 years of age, we are having to consciously make the decision to have kids. And it's not easy. 15 years ago would have been a no-brainer. We had the energy. We still had youthful excitement about our futures. When bodies are doing what they are supposed to be doing, the decision to have kids ends when you stop using any kind of birth control. Eventually, you will get pregnant. When your bodies are not doing what they are supposed to do, you have to really decide that this is what you want.You have to weigh your commitment and go all in. Kind of like when Jesus says we must count the cost of becoming a disciple. It's gonna require ALL of you.
The idea of parenting is scary, at least on some level, to most people, if not all (okay, I can't speak for all cultures, but from my limited understanding, this seems to be true). But if you just 'get pregnant' you have to deal with it, fears, excitement and all. When you can't just 'get pregnant', your mind goes to those places on a much deeper level. For me, these are the places my mind goes: Can we handle the sleepless nights when we already struggle with sleep? Will we have the energy in our 40s to chase a toddler around and maintain consistent discipline? Am I ready to deal with the added stress a baby brings to a marriage?
I have never been one of those women who has 'always wanted kids'. I have loved being a world traveler and missionary; have lead a very fulfilled life. The truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared that I will mourn the freedom I have now to go and do. Yes, as all you parents out there can attest, this is normal. The romance of pregnancy gets removed when it's not a 'surprise'. The romance of child-rearing has long evaporated as I have crept toward middle age and have known countless stories of trials and frustrations. Perhaps you read this and think I am jaded and need to hear about all the joys, too. Don't worry, I have two nephews and a niece that would make anyone in the world want kids. I know, too, that if this medicine works and the timing was perfect, etc etc, that I will fall in love with our child and that the grace I do not have now for kids will be given by God exactly when it's needed. Yes, I understand that fostering and adoption are also options, but we are not at the place yet to pursue those options.
I have wrestled a lot lately with knowing what to share. My wonderful husband is a very prolific writer and I have become content letting him communicate for both of us. God reminded me the other day that I need to talk, too. I thought about sharing encouraging stories of awesome things God is doing here in the DR. Those stories will come. They are happening. But this is what I felt convicted to share. I want you to know what's going on with us, personally, and not just in our ministry.
As we get up each morning and set our minds and hearts to love and serve in these communities, we are also taking medicine, vitamins and getting shots in order to get pregnant. It is tiring and emotional and draining. But as the Lord has promised in His word, He will turn our mourning into dancing. I believe this wholeheartedly. I want you to be a part of our struggle so that you may also be a part of our joy. In the future, I hope to post pics of a drooling adorable child and stories of his or her cuteness. I will probably be one of those moms who turns the trials into incredible life lessons and will want to blog daily. Until then, be praying for us and for God's perfect will.
(P.S. Round 1 of fertility medications did not work. Praying about whether or not to go through it again.)
On December 18, 2010, on the eve of my wedding, I heard this:
You are the bride,
you are the bride,
you are the bride and
you will be pregnant soon.
These words spoke more to me than just the words in and of themselves. They were steeped in meaning that I will not take time to explain right now. It is probably easy to figure out, though, that soon after Clint and I said our "I Do"s, I expected to start hosting new life in my womb. When the first 6 months went by without that little blessing, I was not too worried. I mean, God's 'soon' and our soon are often different. Jesus himself said to John in Revelation, 'Behold, I am coming quickly'. Mmm hmmm.
It is now June 8, 2014 and I am still not pregnant.
Many many thoughts and questions have gone through my mind (and Clint's) since the day I heard that voice. Why would God say 'soon', knowing that according to our timing, this declared promise is long overdue? Did he mean an actual human baby, or was this some symbolic overtone of a spiritual pregnancy to come? Did he know how long it would take; that we would discover that our bodies, without medical intervention or supernatural healing, could not make a baby? Did he say 'soon' because he knew we would be discouraged and would need a promise to hold onto?
I have gone back and forth from believing we are not meant to have our own children, to holding onto that promise of pregnancy. As I walk the dirt roads of El Callejon and listen to the voices of neglected children call out my name to get my attention, I wonder if there is a greater reason we have not been able to conceive. Clint, too, has had all these thoughts and questions--especially lately as he is working with a group of young boys in a community called Sabaneta. We talk about it from time to time when our hearts can handle hearing each others' thoughts; when we feel we are strong enough to pray about it.
A very close friend of mine here found out she was pregnant a few months ago. Knowing that we have been dealing with infertility, she offered to take me with her to appointment to talk with her OBGYN. It was an open door I gladly walked through. Seeking fertility treatment in the US costs more than we could have ever afforded. The free clinics do not cover infertility issues, only pregnancy issues. I mean, I did what I could while in the states, but got no help, no information. Here, in the DR, treatment is available and inexpensive. I am seeing a doctor in a nearby city at the awarded top hospital in the entire Caribbean. A consult with him costs 1000 pesos without insurance (about $23). An ultrasound costs between $8 and $12, depending on where you get it done.
My first visit with this OBGYN revealed a hormonal condition I did not know I had. He prescribed me some medication for it as well as some prenatal vitamins and said to come back in a month and we could start me on Clomid (brand name for Clomiphene, which is a drug they use to help trigger ovulation in women who do not ovulate, or at least not regularly). I won't go into all the details of what it's been like these last couple of months, but I will say that there have been many times I have wanted to quit and just let go of this whole baby thing. Clint, too, has been taking some things to boost and strengthen his, ahem, contribution. He, too, has been tempted to just give it up. This is just a painful process.
Being 42 (him) and 37 years of age, we are having to consciously make the decision to have kids. And it's not easy. 15 years ago would have been a no-brainer. We had the energy. We still had youthful excitement about our futures. When bodies are doing what they are supposed to be doing, the decision to have kids ends when you stop using any kind of birth control. Eventually, you will get pregnant. When your bodies are not doing what they are supposed to do, you have to really decide that this is what you want.You have to weigh your commitment and go all in. Kind of like when Jesus says we must count the cost of becoming a disciple. It's gonna require ALL of you.
The idea of parenting is scary, at least on some level, to most people, if not all (okay, I can't speak for all cultures, but from my limited understanding, this seems to be true). But if you just 'get pregnant' you have to deal with it, fears, excitement and all. When you can't just 'get pregnant', your mind goes to those places on a much deeper level. For me, these are the places my mind goes: Can we handle the sleepless nights when we already struggle with sleep? Will we have the energy in our 40s to chase a toddler around and maintain consistent discipline? Am I ready to deal with the added stress a baby brings to a marriage?
I have never been one of those women who has 'always wanted kids'. I have loved being a world traveler and missionary; have lead a very fulfilled life. The truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared that I will mourn the freedom I have now to go and do. Yes, as all you parents out there can attest, this is normal. The romance of pregnancy gets removed when it's not a 'surprise'. The romance of child-rearing has long evaporated as I have crept toward middle age and have known countless stories of trials and frustrations. Perhaps you read this and think I am jaded and need to hear about all the joys, too. Don't worry, I have two nephews and a niece that would make anyone in the world want kids. I know, too, that if this medicine works and the timing was perfect, etc etc, that I will fall in love with our child and that the grace I do not have now for kids will be given by God exactly when it's needed. Yes, I understand that fostering and adoption are also options, but we are not at the place yet to pursue those options.
I have wrestled a lot lately with knowing what to share. My wonderful husband is a very prolific writer and I have become content letting him communicate for both of us. God reminded me the other day that I need to talk, too. I thought about sharing encouraging stories of awesome things God is doing here in the DR. Those stories will come. They are happening. But this is what I felt convicted to share. I want you to know what's going on with us, personally, and not just in our ministry.
As we get up each morning and set our minds and hearts to love and serve in these communities, we are also taking medicine, vitamins and getting shots in order to get pregnant. It is tiring and emotional and draining. But as the Lord has promised in His word, He will turn our mourning into dancing. I believe this wholeheartedly. I want you to be a part of our struggle so that you may also be a part of our joy. In the future, I hope to post pics of a drooling adorable child and stories of his or her cuteness. I will probably be one of those moms who turns the trials into incredible life lessons and will want to blog daily. Until then, be praying for us and for God's perfect will.
(P.S. Round 1 of fertility medications did not work. Praying about whether or not to go through it again.)
